The ROCK Obama!

This is hilarious!

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The ROCK Obama!

The Rest of the Story...

So remember how I was locked out like a common bum? Well I found out the REST of the story. For one thing, at my roommate's defense, her cell phone was in the car so she didn't turn it off just to ignore me. That's good. But I found out that when my roommates were happily heading out the door the couldn't open it. They pulled and pulled. They tried to move the deadbolt and they got it to move a little bit but it wouldn't turn the whole way. So poor roommates were locked IN for a good little while, missing classes and such. They wondered for a little bit how I got out that morning when they all started to realize that maybe Nicole didn't come in at all last night. Then they called the apartment manager who came over and said, "Uh, do you know you have a key in your lock?" All it took was a good turn and the guy got the key out. When we all got together and shared our stories it was hilarious to put the whole thing together. Ahhh...roommate "bond-age".

My Night as a Hobo

So last night a spent the night as a hobo. I was studying for a math class with some friends until 2 am and when I came home I found that my roommates had locked the deadbolt. Not a problem! I have a key! I plug my key into the lock, turn it and hear a funny click noise which stops my key from completing the turn. Hmmm...maybe it was the other direction? So I try to turn it the opposite direction and it doesn't budge. Then I try to yank it out and it still is not moving. I yank for a good 3 minutes, but it's so darn diddly dad-gum cold that my fingers ache and all I can think about is getting warm ASAP. So I ring the doorbell a bunch of times, hoping my slumbering roommates will wake up and have pity on their shivering friend standing in her pajamas on the doorstep. No one answered that, so I called each one of their cell phones a dozen times with no answer (one of them even turned off their phone, which kind of irks me). Not wanting to leave my car key stuck in the door, I rip the deadbolt key off the ring and flee to the complex lounge where there is relative warmth. The lounge has a couch, a tv, and a ton of washers and dryers. I locked all the lounge doors and huddled on the couch, hoping sleep will come before my imagination gets the better of me...but I swear I kept hearing someone in the room. Over and over again the "rape" cheer my crazy roommate taught me played in my mind: "Stop! don't touch me there, this is my private square. R-A-P-E, get your hands away from me!" So I turned on the TV and thought that maybe I'd fall asleep to that. It's VERY cold in there, by the way. I watch Leno, MASH, a P90X and a tummy shaper info-mercial. I STILL can't sleep. It's SO cold!! I remember I have laundry in the washer and that I have one piddly quarter to dry it as much as possible. When the dryer is done, I stuff one of my newly washed pillow cases with damp clothes to use as a pillow, and use another pillow case as a blanket. After shimmying into the pillow case (which hardly made me any warmer) I finally fell asleep, waking up every couple hours because I'm having crazy dreams that I'm homeless because I'm the lady with the octuplets and I don't have a job. Morning finally comes...I repeat the doorbell, calling roommate routine with the same results so I stumble to work in my jammies with nappy hair and unbrushed teeth. Gahh...I have so much empathy for the homeless.

One Eternal Round

Hmmmm...I'm bored. Eating is worthy activity. Let's see what the kitchen has to offer.

I'll start with the fridge. Hmmm...syrup, milk, mayonaise.

Let's try the cupboard. Rice cakes, tuna, minute rice.

Maybe the pantry has something promising. Peanut butter, stale tortilla chips, spaghetti sauce.

Hmmm...Maybe I missed something in the fridge. Mayo, milk, syrup.

Maybe there are tasty combinations I can make from crap in the cupboard. Ai ai ai.





Ooo! Something new! Ewwww...moldy onions.






Fridge...

Cupboard...

Pantry...

Well, I'll have to settle for a concoction of my own, like a tuna fish rice cake,

+

Voila! Dinner!

My Psycho Life

You know you have a crazy life when:

*Everything you say after you've introduced yourself to someone requires an explanation.

*People are as fascinated with your life as if you came from another country or planet.

*People think you're lying.

*After you've told someone something especially crazy they respond with, "huh, well you SEEM normal...I never would have guessed."

*You have no idea what someone is talking about and you KNOW it's something that you should know (e.g. "A-day and B-days", "Chicken Cordon Bleu", etc.)

It's funny, I realized the other day that I have said the same old explanations for everything probably about a million times, because I always get the same questions. It typically goes like this:

Homeschooling

Curious Person: "So you were H-H-H-Hoooomeschooled? How did you like THAT?"

Me: "I liked it. Of course there are pros and cons to everything but overall it was good."

Curious Person: "Ooooh. But what about a SOCIAL life?"

Me: "I had to work a little harder at it but I wasn't shut up in the house all day." (Not necessarily true, but who needs to know?)

Curious Person: "Do you wish you weren't homeschooled?"

Me: "No, I actually really enjoyed it and wouldn't be who I am if I weren't."

**By this time they get really uncomfortable and change the subject. Phew, close call. I lose all dignity if they ask anything about math. One crazy thing down, 3 more to go. After the homeschooling question fizzles it inevitably leads into . . .

9 Siblings

Curious Person: "Well that's interesting...so how many brothers and sisters do you have?"

Me: "3 brothers, 6 sisters."

Curious Person: "Were ALL of them homeschooled????"

Me: "Ummm...yes."

Celiac Disease

Curious Person: "Want a doughnut?"

Me: "Bwee, I can't."

Curious Person: "You're not fat."

Me: "I know... I'm kind of allergic to grains."

Curious Person: "Really? Does your face swell up and your throat close and you die?"

Me: "No...it's more like an autoimmune disease that will eventually give me cancer and THEN I die if I eat your doughnut."

Curious Person: "That sucks."

I got my Driver's License at 21

Curious Person: "Why does your license say you got it last year...?

Me: "Uhhh...I just learned how to drive."

Curiuos Person: "WHAT? Why?"

Me: "I don't really know...I'm pretty sure it's because we only had one vehicle and my parents didn't want to pay for my insurance. Either that or they didn't want me to go anywhere." (Which brings me back to the "did you have a social life" question in the homeschooling dialogue.)

Eventually, people get over these things and just shrug their shoulders and say, "whatever, she's weird" and we go on being friends. But I can imagine this doesn't paint a pretty picture in the mind of prospective husbands. I'm sure I should just avoid these topics until the 5th or 16th date, but I have a tendency to "lay it all down" on the first date. I figure, why waste our time? They should know what their up against NOW instead of LATER, right? It gets to the point where you can actually see the Xs being marked on the marital checklists in their minds. So it seems as if I will most likely marry a Homeschooled Celiac dude with 5,000 siblings who didn't get his license until after his mission. Either that or someone with a CRAZIER life...like a fruitarian polyg with a million wives instead of siblings who doesn't have a license at all because he only drives covered wagons. Shudder...I hope not.

A Typical Day

So recently I've decided that every day of my life right now is basically just a cookie-cutter of the day before. Almost to the minute, each day is spent doing the exact same thing, with the exact same people. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm having a "Groundhog Day" experience. Without fail, this is how it goes:

1. Waking Up:

For the first 2 months of living with Rachel and Danny (sister and her husband), I was woken up every morning at 8 a.m. sharp by Savanna, my little niece. She'd start quiet, then slowly turn up the volume on her little voice, saying, "Coley." (Still asleep.) "Coley." (Still asleep.) "Coley." (Awake now, but pretending not to be.) "Coley." (Awake still, hoping that if keep pretending to sleep she'll give up and just go away.) "Coley." (Now covering my head with my pillow.) "COLEY! I'm hungry! Get me some toast NOOOOOOW!!" (Then Nicole flies off her rocket and scolds Savanna for not saying please when she's really just pissed that her human alarm clock was way too good at getting her out of bed...and when I say bed I mean the futon in the living room.) Fortunately, this was put to an end by Danny. These days I wake up on my own, but Savanna is always perched on the coffee table next to my "bed", staring down at me. "Coley, can you get me some toast?" "Ahhhh....Okay, Sue."

2. Getting Ready For Work:

I start by wasting each precious minute doing stupid things (like writing a blog...) and pretending I DON'T have to go to work. Then when I only have about 6 1/2 minutes until my ride arrives I dash throughout the house, stuffing food in my face, finding my lost flip-flop, and squeezing "Bearsey", aka Lilly (my 1 year-old niece) until her eyes bulge.

3. Off To Work!

I leave for work at exactly 9:46 every day. I ride with two girls I work with and our conversations are generally in the categories of Hating Work or I'd Rather Get Hit By a Bus Than Go to Work Today or I'm SOOO Quitting Today, I Hate My Life!!! Upon arrival to work, I log onto my computer and watch helplessly as the minutes count down to 10:05 when I have to start taking phone calls. The guy next to me is laughing to himself, smiling ear to ear and telling himself how much he loves his job. He doesn't understand why tears are in my eyes and why I really wish I could just get the stomach flu. Then 10:05 hits and I take my first miserable call. After the call is finished, I always look at the clock. 10:23...8 hours and 37 minutes to go...subtract an hour lunch and 2 15 minute breaks and that's 7 hours and 7 minutes on the phone...Crap, I can't do this ALL DAY!! Another customer calls in and I say the same line that's repeated over and over in my nightmares: "Thank you for calling Qwest where we now offer over 90 High Definition channels, this is Nicole, how can I help you today?" (What's really running through my mind is, "Why are you calling Qwest where I don't know how to sell you over 90 High Definition channels and I'd honestly rather not help you today...?") Then suddenly, after what seems like centuries, it's 7:00 and I'm off!!

3. Home At Last and Molding On the Couch

From the time I get home to the time I go to bed is generally about 6 hours. This is spent in the same way almost every single night. This just shows how little of a social life Nicole has. After stuffing my face frantically with a delicious meal made by Danny or a not-so-delicious meal made by Rachel (haha, just kidding Rachel!) I recover by collapsing on the couch-which-is-my-bed. While Rachel makes her bows, she will turn on channel 44, the Style Channel. For the next 5 1/2 hours we will sit there and watch 3 episodes of Clean House, an episode of How Do I Look? and maybe an episode of Clean House Comes Clean or Extreme Makeover. During this time Rachel and I talk about life, our crazy family, and what stresses us out. Things are made less serious by Danny, who mocks the crazies on TV, farts in dramatic ways and writes intense fantasy novels for us to read. By 2 a.m. we finally decide that maybe we should sleep. Then I freak because I forgot that I needed to take a shower. Confession, I HATE showering. Such a waste of time. Anyways, after the shower, I'm too tired and lazy to actually fold out the futon and make the bed, so I just lay the bedding down like a taco and sleep between the folded blankets. After finally drifting off I'm generally woken at least 5 times by either screaming Lilly or screaming baby in the apartment upstairs. Then...I wake up and this starts all over again!

THE END...until tomorrow!